The Chosen Chain

Many souls along my journey have thought to chain me, and for a long time I allowed it to happen.

I chose first iron shackles which hampered my movement and activity for far too long before I shattered them at last and stretched my arms for the first time since my youth.

Then I chose a tar-soaked rope around my neck, keeping me from moving my head and my thought in any direction except the one allowed by the handler, until I chose to rip the rope from my neck and toss my head in anger and frustration.

But I cannot deny that I desire a chain, a tether, a fetter to keep me in this world and attached to it in such a way that I can be pulled back from the dangerous cliffs that I am drawn toward.

So I choose a chain of my own making, golden and delicate with large adjustable links, and I ask you to hold the end not attached. I wrap it around my heart in the hopes that it will contain the explosion of joy that looking into your eyes and seeing love causes, and that it will harness us together so that the energy our joy and respect and love creates can be turned toward bettering the world around us.

Friends

I just wanted to post and say that I am possibly the luckiest chickadee in the world. I probably have the greatest most supportive set of friends in the world.

They have gotten into the habit of picking up the pieces when I fly apart (which I do far too often for my taste) and of dropping ice water on my rage when it starts to go a little too far.

The thing is, none of these people knows how special they really are. There is the quiet lioness in the other room who simply swats my objections to being taken care of out of the way, the little lemur who snuck her way into my heart and my head without even trying, the newfound friendly little furball of indeterminate origin who has some teeth on her. Then the male friends...the puppy with really big eyes who can't see what the world has to offer, the wolf still licking his wounds but determined to step back out into the sunlight and face the world, and probably most insistently shoving his nose into my hand and demanding to be petted is the big brown bear.

So, for being here even when I wasn't sure I wanted you to be, for telling me like it is (or in tonight's case, isn't) and shoving me out onto the stage that is this world and making me remember that I am a star performer, thank you, my friends.

Sara, 39 and counting

Faith, the lack thereof, and Searching....

Hey all, Roni again.

Writing today on the subject of faith. When you have so many different people in one place, it is impossible for just one faith to be explored.

We, as a system, spent a long time searching. It didn't take long to come to an agreement about some of the things we know we DON'T want. Satan worship, demonology, necromancy, any religion or spiritual path that takes it upon themselves to declare any group of people unworthy of life.

That was the easy part.

The harder part was when we realized that what we have in common are the things that most of the positive western religions at least pay lip service to...there are certain things that are just wrong.

So what we have wound up doing is finding our own balance. I won't declare for anyone but myself, but for me, I have decided that as long as I hold to the tenets I DO believe in, then I am probably okay. For me, the whole "And It Harm None, do what thou wilt" makes perfect sense, as does the golden rule. Not killing anyone just makes moral and legal sense.

But all of those things bring up other questions. If I am not supposed to harm anyone, is it still okay to protect myself? If I treat others the way I want to be treated and they turn around and still trample on me, what then? If I forgive someone 77 times and they still do it, what, then, is my responsibility? And what if I accidentally turn some bad juju out into the world? Does that, too come back to me three fold?

Anyway, what I have figured out is that even once you have declared, you don't stop searching. There are always more questions to try to find for yourself.

So, weigh in here people. How goes your searching? And if you have truly found what you were looking for, then how did you know you had found the answer? Comment. Discuss. Run screaming from the room.

Good Day and may the God/s/dess of your heart lead you to truth and peace.

Roni (who feels very old today)

Sara Sometimes Smiles, Too

Hi. I'm Tangi. Tangerine Marigold is what she named me back when she was like 10 or something like that. I have been around for a long time, but i've always been 17.

I am out today because she was talking about me to a friend. Describing a fashion shopping mistake that I made back in the day. Time was when if it was orange and if fit me, I wanted to buy it. I spent a lot of time shopping back then. So one day i found an orange miniskirt, an orange and white striped top, and white tights with orange applique. Then I bought orange shoestrings to go with my white tennis shoes. I walked into her ex's workplace and was greeted with "Hey Tangi, how are you?"

Which brings me to why I wanted to post something today. Sara has been talking to several newly-acquired friends lately, and some of them have wondered if they will be able to tell the difference between Sara and some of us. The answer is...It will take time, but yes, eventually, most of you will recognize the little quirks and differences between us. In general, if we are really hyper and enthusiastic, you are probably talking to Sara Lee. If we are angry, expect Roni, if we are flirting, expect Jessica, and if we are talking with a vaguely valley-girl type teenagerness, it is probably me.

Of course, these categories are all dependent on the level of the behavior, because being the core and therefore the reflection of all of us, Sara is, of course, capable of all of these behaviors.

Anyway, don't be afraid to make jokes or ask questions via comments about DID in general or our particular system. Be careful because Roni is policing the comments for jerks who want to be hurtful, but otherwise, we welcome the conversations!

Tangi, Age 17

Roni Speaks

So Hi and all that. My name is Roni and I have been around for a really long time. I am talking right now because I am realizing that a lot of people in our life have really had the bad habit of taking advantage of our system. Then again, who could resist? One ex used to call us his Smorgasbroad, another simply used us as his personal anti-criminal activity device. And it isn't just lovers, but friends who have had this habit too. Don't like what Sara is saying? Just ask to talk to someone else. Go ahead and use one of us other dominant alters to get your way.

Well, that used to work, anyway. Hate to tell you it doesn't work that way anymore. We are all for the most part on the same page these days, and if Sara speaks it, it is law. My job around here has always been to protect the whole. However necessary. In these times when the physical body is safe, it has become a matter of protecting the psyche. To do this, sometimes I have to be harsh to old friends, and I have to say no to people that Sara would normally have been likely to cater to.

But you know what? That is the nature of being a protector. Sometimes your shield keeps things from you that you never knew were out there anyway. Funny. Some of you will know what kind of thing I am talking about when I mention an ancient shield called a Madu. A Madu is a shield that has blades coming out of its center. That's what I am for SaraSometimes...a Madu. No stationary shield that just keeps things from hitting, but something that chops things into little pieces when need be. And something that can be used as a more active defense than a simple shield.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Take care and stay safe. Keep your eye on the entrances and know your exit strategy.

Roni (somewhere between 25 and 90)

Sara Sometimes Sorrows

We are SaraSometimes. Twenty years ago, a doctor finally convinced us that the diagnosis of DID really was what was going on with our core, whose name is, indeed, Sara. For those who don't know, DID is Dissociative Identity Disorder, and it used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder.

In layman's terms, I have, as a defense/coping mechanism, created multiple alter personalities to deal with things that happened to me as a child and an adult that poor little Sara couldn't handle without going insane. So instead of going completely insane and checking out of the world entirely, I check out of the world just a little bit and only temporarily, and instead of a catatonic shell, I leave behind someone else to be thinking, acting, reacting, and living in my place.

So this blog is a place for me and my alters to talk about every day things, and about DID, and about life in general. Stop back often, but be warned, you never know who is going to be posting or sharing, so be prepared to talk to everyone from the four year old girl to the eighty year old native american guide. The thing I am requiring from them is to post in the titles if there are Trigger potentials in the post, and to post a name and age at the end. You, dear followers, I will hope that you will keep your comments PG if it is obvious that you are dealing with a child.

So, relax, sit back, and prepare for an interesting journey. All are welcome to ride along, but seat belts are required.

Sara, age 39